You know what we’re talking about. Those infamous “treats” that no kid wants but invariably gets in his bag every year. Don’t be one of the houses that the kids skip over. Avoid these handouts or suffer the wrath.
Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses – Molasses & peanut butter massaged into an amalgam of tree-sap nastiness. Wrapped in nondescript orange & black wrappers. Simply yuck.
Butterscotches – Any hard candies for that matter, but especially these yellow toothbreakers commonly found at Gram-Gram’s house.
Necco Wafers – These chalky disks were popular with World War II soldiers that ate whatever they could get. For some reason the company assumed kids would be just as desperate to eat a piece of blackboard chalk.
Raisins – As a fruit, raisins are barely passable. As a Halloween treat? Nuh-uh. Don’t be THAT house on the block.
Black Licorice Nibs – Try and find one kid who says “Ooooh, black licorice!” Maybe in Amish country. Maybe.
Orange Slices – Remember these gelatinous atrocities covered in sugar crystals? They’re still haunting kids today.
Circus Peanuts – Possibly the coup-de-farce of Halloween candy cheapness. Who can forget these dull orange-colored, pasty globs of grossness, immediately targeted for the trash bin. I’d personally rather eat packing peanuts.
DOTS – Since their 1945 introduction, kids everywhere have shouted with glee “I could sure go for a gumdrop!” And yet, manufacturer Tootsie Roll Industries produces four BILLION of these colored blobs of rubber cement each year. But on a positive note… they’re Vegan!
Wax Lips – Hey! What’s funnier than wearing fake lips over your real ones? And when the hilarity dies down, you can actually chew the lips up like some sort of disgusting version of flavorless chewing gum. No truth to the rumor that for years these were produced using ear wax from children working in Chinese sweatshops. But I’m not taking any chances.
Candy Corn – What list of Halloween candy fails would be complete without the iconic candy corn? And why corn? The “candy beet” too far-fetched? These way-too-sweet kernels of gritty sugar and hydrogenated corn syrup are everything spooky about the holiday. Worst of all are the people that drop a disgusting handful, unwrapped from a bowl, as they fall to the bottom of your sack and rustle around with the lint. Ewww.
So there you have have it. The no-no’s for Halloween treat-giving. That is, unless you enjoy scrubbing broken eggs and toilet paper off your house on November 1st.